Tuesday, July 12, 2011


I've been struggling.  For so long I've been telling myself I will get better.  I will be able to do all the things I used to.  I will have my nice normal(ish) life back.  Yeah, this is something we call denial.  Yup, I'm in denial. 

I have Rheumatoid Arthritis.  I have secondary Fibromyalgia.  I am chronically ill.  There I said it.  Happy?

Yeah, so I get a little testy when pushed.  I'm still learning to navigate the waterways of my new life.  A life where it is hard to sleep, hard to get out of bed, hard to care of my children.  A life where I have to ask for help.  A life where I feel trapped and a little scared and uncertain about my future.

The truth is, I've never been very good at asking for help.  You need my help? Want me to carry something, pick up something, bring you somewhere?  Sure!  No problem.  Do I need something?  No, I'm fine.  Really, I'm totally fine!  There have been times in my life where I was the exact opposite of that.  So totally far gone that I needed help and couldn't ask for it. 

Things are different now, I have to ask for help.  I have to ask my 7 year old daughter to get her own snacks.  Heck, I have to ask her to get ME snacks.  I have to ask her to help me open things, carry things, and care for her younger siblings.  She is sweet and wonderful and I hope I am teaching her a lesson in compassion because I feel horrible about the whole thing. I have to ask my husband to take on the burden of the housework because while I can accomplish somethings, there are many things that are out of my reach.  I hate it.  I feel like a failure. 

Its summer and that means we have lots of visitors and do lots of visiting.  I hate it.  I used to love it, but now I hate it.  Why?  I can't do things and I hate that.  I hate that there are limitations and I hate letting people see my limitations.  My family is understanding and loving I know they see it, but I often push myself too hard when others are around because I don't want to be less than.  But these things, they aren't coming from other people.  They are coming from myself.  No one comes up to me and says "hey your house looks like crap and you should really be trying harder".  I'm telling myself these things.

I guess there are a few more miles on my road to acceptance.

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